I’m sitting on my couch, I just finished a quest in Skyrim and I’m powering down the XBox when I feel something. Hmmmm, could it be hunger….no. Sleepiness…..no. Horny? Yes! Yes, that’s what it is, I’m severely horny. However, I’m also feeling something else……Lazy! I look at my beautiful wife, reclining on the chair, reading a book on her Kindle and start scheming.
I want something but I don’t want to do anything myself. I want something just for me. We have known each other for 15 years; half or more of our lives and we love each other very much. We have always been generous and open with each other and she has always told me that if I just ask, I will receive.
I believe her. She has always been honest with me and I do honestly believe her, and cherish her generosity and all around awesomeness. But it is hard not to feel guilty. I grew up in a Christian environment and while I am still a Christian, I very much disagree with some of the “addenda” the schools and churches of my experience “added” into the Bible discussions on this topic. Such ideas as SEX IS DIRTY, MEN ARE SEX FIENDS and WOMEN DON’T LIKE SEX.
I grew up with these ideas, and while I was smart enough to ignore them for the most part, if you hear something enough it will eventually sink into the subconscious. So here I am, stuck on guilt; well, not on guilt but between guilt and belief. Belief that if I ask her to grab some lotion and stretch her hand out that she will do it and happily bless me. Guilt that if I ask her to get on her knees and unbutton her blouse that I am ruining something innocent and taking advantage.
Now I am in a pickle. I still feel guilty but I have pictured some wonderful sex acts and I am even more horny. Okay, I can get past this, I can get past this guilt; I will force myself to believe. I close my eyes and I think really, really, really hard. Hmmm, hard, I know something that is hard; stop it you stupid sex-crazed brain. More thinking, ahhh, I did it. I believe her, I can ask! Wait….
Am I asking her now because I actually believe it, or am I asking because I feel guilty about the idea that I might not actually believe her in my Christian heart of hearts? Great, if I ask her to place her lips on me now am I just doing it to prove to myself that I can? Am I really going to ask her to come and pleasure me just to prove to myself that I trust her? How backwards is this!? She does this for me because she loves me; how have I turned it into something about my own love? If I ask her over here will I be telling her to wrap her fingers around me because I love her so much that I let her worship at the altar of my penis?
Why shouldn’t she? I’m a man, dammit. Spears and wars and violence and super-manliness: the aggression in me starts to rise. I should let my adrenaline flow; I should let it flow and be an alpha male. She has told me she enjoys that dynamic/roleplay, I should demand that she come over here and suck my cock. This is the opposite of letting her worship, right? So am I just demanding that she worship? Why do I keep throwing worship in there, that is not something I actually think at all. It is getting hard to think now, all my blood is flowing in the wrong direction and I’ve lost my train of thought
Right, I’m a man. No, that thought was wrong, although there is some fun truth in there. Something for us to explore, but I’m not in the right frame of mind to approach it in the manner that it deserves. So, focus; what do you want? I want to have my wife come and pleasure until I can’t take any more because I love her and I desire her and I believe her. That’s good, that sounds like a great and healthy reason. I want her to come to me because she has said that she would and I love her. Also great, I am nailing this with only half of my usual blood/brain ration, I am a freaking superhero.
I feel the original guilt starting to creep back in. Quick you fool; say something smooth before you lose it!
“Hey Darling, come check out this surprise I’ve hidden for you in my pants!!!”
P.S. I wrote this post to try to describe the mental gymnastics that the 1980/90s Christian purity culture teachings led to. It shouldn’t be this hard (that’s what she said).