Sex and the American-Christian Subculture

I kind of forgot this post was going live last week so I forgot to include a cover image.  While looking for one today I found the most creepy “Adam and Eve” image I have ever seen.  It was to awesome not to use.  Enjoy.

Warning……Graphic Content

In this post I am going to rant about how some things the Christian church taught me have made my life unnecessarily complicated.  Don’t worry though you mainstream American-Christian sub-culture enthusiasts, I promise I won’t go after you or write anything offensive, feel free to keep reading.

In a previous post I talked about the guilt that a Christian man can feel when asking his wife to do something sexual for him.  In it I mentioned that my wife and I sometimes explore the more dominate/submissive sides of a sexual relationship.  You might be thinking, due to the nature of the previous post that I would be paralyzed with guilt and indecision trying to get myself into that kind of mindset.

You would be right!

You also might be thinking that we like the Fifty Shades of Grey universe.

You would be wrong!  Fifty Shades of Grey is to the submissive/dominant subculture as spaghetti and meatballs is to Hostess products.  Horrible!!

This dynamic that we have developed was years and years in the creation and we are still only just getting started in it.  We haven’t gotten into full bdsm as that is not a lifestyle we care to maintain continuously at this point in time.  However, we do have periods of time where I try to be the aggressor at a very high level.  It can be a great stress relief for both of us in theory.  She can let go and let me control everything and I can be as “selfish” or as “giving” as I want.

Generally, leading up to it I am very excited.  I am thinking about all the things I want to do to her and all of the things I am going to have her do to me.  I plan and yes, I scheme about many things, spending quite a bit of time thinking about it.  I generally will fixate on specific acts; not for any real reason other than that is what I feel like.

We might plan to do things for a week or two and when the time finally arrives more often then not I chicken out the majority of the time.  If we are doing things for a week I will be what I was thinking of being for a day or less but then I get caught up in excuses and other things.  When we go into these things I want to make sure that I stay connected to how she is feeling and how her day is going so I will call time-outs if she has had a bad day or if the kids have been more stressful than normal (freaking kids).  While these are not excuses in and of themselves, I have a tendency to make them behave that way.

I become hyper-sensitive to every mood she has and at any time I will call a time-out and let it last for almost the majority of the time that we have remaining.  I do this, I believe for two reasons.

1.  Guilt.  I know the same thing that was the main theme of the last post, but it is a main theme for a reason.  I feel like I am taking advantage, I get confused about my true motivations and I feel like I can’t be respecting her as a person by doing the things that I am thinking about doing to her.

2.  Biting off more than I can chew.  Leading up to the time when we are going to really go for it I start planning and I give my body way more credit than it deserves.  I personally take quite a long time to recover, but for some reason I forget that and think that I can handle way more stimulation than I can.

3.  The Christian sub-culture in which I was raised makes me think that what I am about to do is evil.  This is probably the most important part.  In some ways this is tied to the guilt that I am feeling in point one, but it is more than that, it is about not understanding God’s design for sex or about Gods plan for the genders in general.

Take the following scenario for example.  My wife and I are planning on spending the next week with me being dominate and her being submissive.  I feel like really using her for myself this time, doing things that I feel like doing.  So I start thinking about things and the schedule I plan gets pretty intense.

1. Sucks my cock.  Hahaha, I can’t believe you mainstream American-Christian sub-culture asshats fell for my “I won’t be offensive” bit up top.  Cookie Monster takes no prisoners.

2.  Plays with my penis whenever she is near me.

3.  We have sex a few times.

4.  We have sex a few more times.

End of day one.

See what I mean.  could maybe accomplish one and half of those things in a day. Regardless of the fact life has to happen in the meantime, life that includes two small children, jobs and building a home, the idea that I could recover in less than an hour is laughable.  As much as I wan’t to believe that I am Arnold from Conan the Barbarian I am not. Once I make it through the first activity my body calms down and I stop seeing sex everywhere and that is when the guilt comes in.  How could I ask her to do the things she is doing and I jump off the springboard into the endless abyss of self doubt.

I can usually get the guilt under control, my wife is an amazing person and has helped me with that.  What I’m left thinking about as I am laying in bed is what does this thing we are trying to do mean to the fabric of the universe (and sometimes boobies).

I grew up in a world where the Christian church taught about men being the men and women being the women.  It was about places and assigned roles in relationships and it had absolutely no basis in the Bible.  Our parents tried so hard to convince us not to have pre-marital sex that they ended up convincing us that sex was bad in general.  I’ve spent years in churches hearing about how the man was supposed to be the dominant in a relationship in everything, how the woman was to be the submissive in everything; everything but sex that is.  Sex was bad, really bad.  There was no room for dominate/submission in sex because sex just couldn’t happen; just shouldn’t happen.

You might see where my confusion set in.  The Bible talks about very few gender roles and most of them are usually used in similes, not real life examples.  The Bible also talks about sex A LOT, and generally it is referred to as a very happy event, one that should be practiced often.  When my wife and I first got married we had both grown up in this environment and attempted to live our lives to the standard we had been shown.  The problem was that neither of us truly agreed with it, but it is better to start from a place you know then a place you don’t.   Suffice to say we learned through trial and error what it is we both really think and moved on with our lives.  Marriage is so much easier when you’re not trying to constantly figure out who should be making a decision or who has the authority too. When we look back at it, it was all so very silly.

This brings us back to where I am at. So now when I tear my wife’s clothes off, throw her naked onto the bed and start beating my chest because having sex is awesome, I try my best to push those old teachings from my mind.  I am getting better but it is a very hard fight (thanks a lot all you bitter, sexless a-holes who were not having sex because of your own issues but decided to force your lifestyle on the rest of us).  I try my best to remember that my wife and I both have sexual desires and they are just fine.  I try to remember that as long as we treat each other with respect that I have nothing to worry about.

I know that what I am saying will go right over the head of the American-Christian “I kissed dating goodbye” sub-culture.  This will happen for a few reasons.

1. They have no ability for logic and reason

2.  I put the words “cock” and “sucks” in the same sentence and as such I will be going directly to hell or at least Southern France when I die.

That’s okay, what they believe has no bearing on anything when it comes to eternity or moral consequence. I write that last sentence like it is something easy to believe, but believe me, it is not.

As I write this post it occurs to me that it might sound like I might be bitter towards Christianity.  I’m not, not real Christianity that is.  Religion is stupid.  Faith, God, Christ, Love and Forgiveness are not.  I wrote this rant because thinking about sex is fun and because this is something that I have been struggling with for a long time, years in fact.  I need to get it off of my chest and this is a good start.  I will probably continue to rant about it every other week or so, so bear with me.

Before I go I want to throw in a plug for a board that I am a part of, “The Marriage Bed“.  If you go to their site you will find a huge array of information on sex from a fairly healthy Christian perspective.  The biggest resource they have is the message board.  There are a lot of very wise people there.  I am not one of the contributing members so this is not a plug for myself.  But they have been very helpful for my wife and I and I hope other people find them and are helped by them.

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13 comments

  1. When I was a young teen, I attended a pentecostal church. My youth pastor only made sex sound bad. I don’t remember receiving any reasoning or explanation…it was just NOT ok! Needless to say, it messed my mine up for most of my life. While I do agree that the proper place for sex is within marriage, I feel like Christian culture is so secretive about what they share of this amazing gift from God, that it causes teens to rebel and then fall away from their faith when they find out that it wasn’t sex that was bad at all, it was the lack of honesty within the church about the God-ordained context of sex. I’m 31 now and just beginning to be able to break down years worth of mental, sexual barriers. If anything, sexual intimacy with one’s spouse should draw them closer to its Designer. Who wouldn’t want to know the God that created what the ENTIRE BOOK of Song of Solomon, so descriptively, gushes over? Haha.

    • I know what you mean. My parents tried to force me to go to youth group, it never really worked out. My biggest influence was from a private school I went to. They were great about a lot of things, but about sex they were not. I don’t know why so many “Bible” teachers try so hard to convince us that virginity is almost equal to Godliness based on obscure and I’ll thought out references and ignore almost the entire point of the book, a Song of Solomon.

      • I think it’s probably because they mean well. I get what you mean though. Teachers will exaggerate things to drive a point home, often as a scare tactic. In this case, I believe it’s out of concern. Sex IS amazing and fun, but God did give us clear boundaries for sex. (Solomon was married in that book) Not because He wanted to wreck our fun, but for our protection. For example, the rate of abortions, teen pregnancies, welfare recipients, fatherless children, and young teen suicides would drop exponentially if we followed a biblical standard for sexual engagement. And no, I agree that virginity shouldn’t be held level with godliness, but it does aid it….BUT only if you consider the purity of your thoughts and intentions too. Just lusting after someone you aren’t married to is equal to the act under God’s standard. Anyway…I enjoy your blog. Honest and real. Keep it up.

      • You are right, the Bible does give very clear boundaries. The problem, I think, is that it spends a small amount of time talking about the rules as they are pretty simple and a lot of time talking about how to enjoy sex. The current/past teaching has been the opposite. I can also see how they try to force the point as the consequences of sex can be severe and life altering, but we focus, I believe on the wrong things. Thanks for the comments, these kinds of discussions are always fun.

  2. Reblogged this on Confessions of a sexually repressed woman and commented:
    This is so true and represents so much about our lives and what brought us to where we are today (me and my husband) Great books to read Divine Sex , The Royal Law of Liberty and Love Wins. They all make you look at what we have been taught in a new light. If you really want to be challenged, read the books along with a King James Version of Bible and a Concordance and anything that challenges your thinking research it with the KJ and concordance…you might be greatly surprised at the contradictions in traditional christian teaching and biblical teaching.

  3. Rant away! Guilt and shame associated with sex in reference to religious beliefs is HUGE and I think a lot of people could probably relate to you on this! I wish I had more advice, but I am clearly no expert in this category. I’m glad your wife is so supportive and helps you work through some of the guilt. She sounds like an amazing woman and I’m glad that y’all are slashing the Christian/procreation only/anti everything fun stigma that surrounds sex!

  4. I LOVE your writing. A lot of the things that you struggle with aren’t issues for me because I’m of a different faith, but I love the honesty with which you write and put yourself out there. Keep it up. The D/s dynamics get easier with practice. And speaking as somebody who takes on the D role in things it can be exhausting keeping everything sexy and fun for long periods of time. I’ve found that instead of calling time outs.. have designated Play times during the allotted time period…. or actions that require a response from your submissive. Like if you wear a certain article of clothing or pick up a certain item she must respond as soon as she notices. It gives you control and keeps things interesting, but allows you to deal with life and children and such without ruining the fantasy.

  5. Thank You. Guilt and a botched circumcision (all circumcision is damaging what God intended men to enjoy anyway) has made sex for me nothing but heartache and pain. I too have a wonderful wife and things are getting better.

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