There I was, minding my own business, sitting at my computer at work, when disaster struck.
I was blissfully working myself into an early grave while listening Blue Eyed Girl when my co-worker walked by and reminded me about the company picnic we were having today. Not really a picnic, but you could go outside and get a hotdog to celebrate spring. Hotdogs, being the most springtime of food, sounded better the empty cup of water I had in front of me; so I slowly meandered outside. It went pretty much as expected, I opened the door and smelled the wonderful aromas of propane charring the outside of a pre-cooked, machine formed meat penis and I instantly wanted to stick it in my mouth! I walked over to the large bun pile and put one on my plate. Looking down to evaluate the size of the three fat rolls separating my mouth from my own penis, I decided to put another bun on my plate; shouldn’t make too much of a difference at this point.
I put two hotdogs in those buns with the dexterity of a very fat man and then decided to put all of the condiments on them. As I was doing so, I noticed that a little further away some people were halving a salsa contest. Being naturally curious of food in all shapes and forms I sauntered over and noticed that one of the salsa had avocado in it. I WANTED IT!! Problem was, I didn’t want to try the other salsa as they looked spicy and I had to go back inside and I didn’t have time to vote, also, I was not part of the competition. I quickly glanced around to make sure no one was looking then put the largest scoop I could on my plate, quickly followed by another one. I immediately covered it with chips and nonchalantly whistled to myself as I walked back inside.
Eureka!! my ruse had worked. I was now back at my desk with enough processed meat penis to feed a family from a third world country for a week and my stolen avocado salsa. I breathed a deep breath of self-satisfaction and scooped the salsa with a chip. Smiling while I bit down I awaited the creamy, slightly spicy avocado goodness that had accompanied every avocado salsa that had come before it.
FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know what I put into my mouth but my tongue, throat and insides immediately became slides for molten hot lava. I coughed and cried and slumped down into my chair in misery. I have never eaten something so hot!!! I ate all of my potato salad but I was still on fire. I ate my hotdogs but to no avail. I am now silently awaiting the death that must follow this insanity. All I wanted was to eat food that someone diligently prepared for a contest without permission. That Evil Bastard!