British Food Gives the World the Middle Finger

The British Empire was run by assholes!

Did you see the movie the picture for this post was from, The Patriot.  Probably one of the worst movies ever made, but that picture sums up the asshole spirit of the British empire when it came to food!

I was sitting on my couch the other day, drinking Mountain Dew, eating Twinkies and just thinking about food in general, when my thoughts drifted across the ocean to our island neighbors.  I thought about how we kicked their asses in the American Revolution and the little thought about War of 1812 and I smiled as I took another bite and swallow of American awesomeness.  I’ve been reading 1776 and feeling fairly patriotic recently so don’t take it personally anyone from Great Britain.

I started thinking about food from the little island that could, and I started to realize that most of the food that comes out of that little conglomeration of forced love is fairly hilarious.  Lets take spotted dick for example.  Even if we ignore the name, which seems like a middle school aged joke (I know it didn’t mean the same thing back then, but I like to think they knew what it would mean). This dessert seems like a giant fuck you to the rest of the empire.  The English part of the Empire makes a pastry treat, a simple one and then they add that one ingredient which was not available in large supply to the rest of the conglomerate.  Lets face it, England is not known for it’s grape production so getting raisins anywhere past London would have been very difficult.  They looked at Scotland and said “Don’t you wish you could eat this treat the way it was designed to be made you kilt wearing, face painting barbarians.  Haha, let us retire to one of our many pointless mansions on our exceedingly large estates built on the backs of our own people.”

This of course made the Scottish people very angry (cause what doesn’t) and in the tradition of Braveheart, a group of Scottish warriors gathered at a small pile of sticks (they called it a farm) and prepared their response.  The cut the internal organs out of nearby animals and wrapped it in the other internal organs and cooked it. They rejoiced and partied at the simplicity and horribleness of their creation.  By the time the party was done at least three people were dead by impalement on crude weaponry and rocks.  The deaths were irrelevant, however, and the victims were included in the picture they painted of themselves eating the Haggis and exposing their penis’s which they sent to the English.

The English were of course horrified that the Scottish would paint themselves with such anatomically incorrect proportions as everyone knows that Englishmen have the biggest penises.  They were also extremely disgusted by the food they saw.  Due to their extreme pride they tried to eat the dish but they couldn’t, it was just too disgusting.  They could hear the Scottish laughing at them so they killed a few more thousand of them to make things a little quieter.

This wasn’t enough however and in anger the English decided to have a national drink which would require them to sail halfway around the world and kill thousands upon thousands of people.  They exported tea from these conquered nations and in one largest gestures of absolute dickishness they declared Earl Grey to be the best and said that if you were a true tea drinker you would not sweeten it.    DICKS!!!!

Ireland wished of course that they could be a part of all this food bickering, but alas, all Ireland can grow is potatoes and sadness.  Everyone knows there is no bad way to make potatoes; you can boil them, mash them or stick them in a stew.  Sometimes the Irish would have potato famines which would lead to even larger crops of sadness.  The Irish tried to export this sadness but they couldn’t, it was all very sad. That was why Tom Cruise left to have his face pounded on in America, even face poundings were better then all that sadness.

There are many more examples we could go into about the atrocities of the food of Great Britain but I’ll stop for now.  Partly because I’m really hungry now and partly because I don’t know much about Great Britain and I need time to make up some more history.

Have a great day everyone,

Ray

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10 comments

  1. Hmmm… interesting this. I’m from the great island nation you speak of. While in a very general sense you’re right, food in Britain has been defined in the past by rich and poor, tea and pepper were definitely for the rich and many of the foods we now see as treats liked steamed puddings were from the poorer classes (the rich probably had their own versions). I wasn’t sure whether I found this amusing… I did laugh though – The only thing I will say is at least we worked out not to make tea with sea water 😛

    • I hope you are not questioning the accuracy of my historical storytelling. Keep in mind, I wrote this amazing post while riding my giant Bald Eagle and wearing my “America is the best and everyone else can go suck it” T-shirt, so there is a 0% chance I am wrong about anything :). In reality however, thanks for the comment. I never thought about pepper as being for the rich, it is interesting how foods we take for granted now had entirely different meanings and uses back then.

      • I’m not saying you’re wrong, just that you’ve interpreted the fact differently to me lol 😛
        Yes, pepper was on the table of rich people as a symbol of their wealth as much as a seasoning. Tea would have probably been the same.
        It’s interesting this and I’ll have to perhaps do a factoid blog on the origins of British food and see what I can dig up.

  2. I don’t know how I stumbled upon this, but I’m glad I did.

    Absolutely hilarious.

    But lest we forget, those dicks from “the little island that could” eat beans on toast every morning and call that a delicious breakfast.

    And never trust their puddings. Pudding means an assortment of vile organs over there, not chocolate satin like here in ‘Merica.

    Thanks for the laughs.

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